The Way Back Home…
*This is a post that I wrote June 29,2010 four days after I was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer. God does not cause illness, unfortunately it is part of the curse that our world fell under when Adam & Eve chose not to listen to God’s instructions and age from tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil as depicted in the book of Genesis 2:16-17 “And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”
Sunday, June 21st I held a moving sale with my family. Hardly did I know that day would be the end of a chapter in my life as I’ve known it for the last 43 years. I came in the house, got ready to take a shower – and noticed a lump the size of a nickel on my left breast. It was just “there.” I ran down to show my husband and we called my mom. My mom suggested that I be cautious and I make an appointment with my doctor for the next day – I did. Oh how quickly this whirl wind of events took place. Seeing my doctor she sent me for a mammogram (only the second one I’ve ever had) and an ultrasound. There it was – I needed to come in for something called a “core biopsy.” I came in the next day had the procedure. Now I know no one is fond of needles – but especially needles put in places that they “normally” would NOT go. However I went visualizing the Lord holding my hand. The song “Jesus Take the Wheel” going through my head. They told me it would be a 3-5 day wait for the results. THREE TO FIVE DAYS. It felt like eternity. I started thinking of my life for over the past two years… And I realized that no matter what – I needed to begin my trek “back home” to the Lord. No matter what the results.
I thought about Shepherds – how when one sheep is missing they leave their “whole” flock to look for it. I’ve been “missing” for the past two years. Away from the safety, the warmth, the peace the comfort of the Lord. Like a rebellious teenager saying “no Lord! I don’t wanna!!!” I’d gone my own way, looking for – I don’t know what. And knowing the whole time that I was “looking for I-don’t-know-what.” The ironic thing about it – is I realized during the whole time I waited for the results – that all I need my Father supplies. And you know – He gives so much better so much more ample, so much more generously than I can provide for myself. Does that make sense? These past two years – I’ve done things I’m not proud of and probably will only reveal to my inner circle of prayer partners – and you know – I think it is important for each of us to be as transparent with our walks as we can. Because the fact is – so many other brothers and sisters in Christ are going thru similar situations. This blog is NOT a confessional blog. You see – the only one I really need to confess ANYTHING to – is the Father. And the most ironic thing about it – is HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ANYHOW. He knows! You can’t hide ANYTHING from Him. So why do we even try? Like Adam and Eve in the Garden – having eaten the apple – God knew it. He knew what they had done – but still – they tried to hide from Him. We haven’t changed all that much. (LOL) we are STILL trying to hide from Him. But here’s the thing – here is what I’ve learned – if you know the story of the Prodigal son. You know that he realized how MUCH he needed his father. He got to the lowest point in his life he could go and realized – He needed… He WANTED to return home. And when he did – his Father was there – looking down the pathway – waiting, hoping for him to come home. The Bible tells us his arms were open WIDE. WIDE WIDE WIDE.
I ran into my Father’s arms on June 24th. My doctor called me at work and told me – the results were positive. I have breast cancer. My world has changed. My life has changed – but you know what hasn’t changed? My GOD. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I gave my life to Him at the age of 21. That was 23 years ago. I have run back into my Father’s awaiting arms – and you know what I’ve found? PEACE. I found security, I found comfort. I found love. What was it I had been looking for before? I don’t even KNOW. I only know – that my arms are wrapped around Him TIGHTLY. TIGHTLY TIGHTLY TIGHTLY. How would you be if your child was ill? If your child was hurting? You would wrap your arms around them and hold them close to you. Kiss their head. The Bible tells us “If we being evil give such good gifts to our children – how much MORE will your Heavenly Father give to you?”
I won’t lie to you – I’ve been bewildered. I’ve been scared. I’ve been shocked. A week ago – I was FINE. Well no – I wasn’t. But you know what? Ironically I am now. I’m FINE. Okay, so I have a Goliath in my life – its called breast cancer. But you know what? This morning as I read my Word and I prayed. I thought of David. I thought of how his knees must have been shaking as he stood infront of this giant. I thought of how the other soldiers must have been watching on – mocking him. This shepherd boy. Waiting for him to get pummeled by this Giant of a man. Can you imagine their surprise when the Giant fell? Can you imagine Goliath’s shock what his last thought might have been before he fell? David stood before him with one weapon – his faith. His trust. His love for the Lord. He knew He was real. He knew the battle wasn’t his. He knew the LORD would win.
This stupid little nickel size tumor came as a huge shock to me. But you know – it didn’t to my Father. I and many of my Survivor sisters – who btw I’m just beginning to meet – are having/had a “Goliath experience.” But the fight is NOT ours. And our weapon – is our Faith. I don’t know why my Father is allowing me to go through this – but this I know. He is in control. My eyes are on my Father. My weapon – my faith. I’m standing before the Giant – and I know that as David did – I will win this battle. And my Father will be victorious and I will use this experience to extend the right hand of fellowship to the woman behind me (as women are doing now to me).
Everyone in their lives goes through a Prodigal experience at some point. Its what you choose to do with what you learn that makes the difference. There is mercy and grace and love in my Father’s arms. In YOUR Father’s arms. He is no respector of persons. He has no favorites. He loves all of us – just exactly the same. In the midst of the battle – there is PEACE.